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Dear Jack Daniels, Bacardi, Budweiser, the other suppliers of my mother's closet laundry basket, and Edna Ferber Elementary, Thank you. It is the summer. Jason Renshaw from presents an independent essay topic from the official TOEFL. The Department of Basic Education briefed the Committee on teenage pregnancy in South Africa, specifically focusing on school-going learners. The report showed that there was a lack of vital statistics in South Africa but that overall fertility had been declining for the past fifty years. The Department stated that there was a perception in the country that there was an upsurge in teenage pregnancy, because the pregnancies were seen more often in schools, in communities and amongst those collecting the Child Support Grant. Most teen pregnancies happened between the ages of seventeen and nineteen. The rise in learner pregnancy was most likely the result of improved reporting rather than a real increase. Learner pregnancy rates were higher in schools located in poor areas and in schools that were poorly resourced. There was no empirical evidence of a link between teen fertility and the Child Support Grant. Termination of pregnancy by teens had increased over time and there was in fact a low uptake of the Child Support Grant among teens. Data showed that an increase in education resulted in a decrease in fertility and that pregnancy was no longer causing students to drop out of school, although dropping out was a significant risk factor for early pregnancy and HIV. In South Africa, only about a third of teen mothers returned to school. The Department noted that the primary focus must be on prevention of pregnancies, but second chances should be made available to prevent the loss of human potential. The Department recommended the universal implementation of sex education, with focus both on abstinence and safe sex, as well as biological and social risk factors. The Department also promoted community-based interventions, the rolling out of adolescent friendly services, promoting open communication between parents and children and increasing the coverage in the media with a distinct focus on pregnancy. The Department noted that this report would be presented to Cabinet, a series of provincial discussions would take place and it would bring together key stakeholders. A comprehensive strategy would be developed for the management and prevention of learner pregnancy and it would explore the policy options relating to teen pregnancy in education. The strategy would include developing tools to identify high risk schools, developing early warning systems for schools to identify students likely to drop out, developing monitoring and evaluation tools, improving life skills programmes, and strengthening and supporting peer education. The Committee was concerned about what the policy was towards learners who were pregnant and still in school. They also wanted clarity on the policy that spoke to learners returning to school in less than two years after having a child. Members noted that the report needed to contain more information and statistics on the fathers. Concerns were expressed over the fact that there was an increased risk of teen pregnancy when girls were involved in a relationship with older males. The Committee asked how teen mothers attending school affected other learners in the school, but this was not one of the issues addressed. Members wanted to know why the Department said there was the perception that there was an upsurge in teen pregnancies when communities were complaining that there were too many teen pregnancies, specifically with school learners. The Committee had an issue with the Department saying that teens did not get pregnant for the Child Service Grants. They asked the Department what could be done to prevent learners from dropping out of school. There was still an issue that teen mothers were often exposed to stigma, and this was one of the reasons they did not return to schools, and Members asked if the pregnant teens were given any advice, as they had to take responsibility for their child. Another Member questioned whether there really was no link between teen pregnancy and the child grants, noting that learners may not reveal the truth, and that experience on the ground had shown that the grants were being accessed, but were not used for the welfare of the child. They also encouraged open communication between girls and boys as well as the parents. The Committee stressed that it was important to find preventative measures, including more involvement with extra-curricular activities, and urged the Department to include all the relevant Portfolio Committees in programmes that they initiated. Members also noted that most of the difficulties preceded pregnancy, as there were cultural and social issues to contend with. The Committee supported initiatives that focused on values and character building. Pregnancies amongst teenagers, with a specific focus on school-going learners: Department of Basic Education DBE or the Department briefing. Co Chairperson Ms Chohan stated that this was a very important meeting, following the release of the report on teen pregnancy in the country. She had asked Ms N Gina ANC to act as co-Chair, in the light of her experience in educational issues. She also welcomed Members from the Portfolio Committee on Women, Youth, Children and Persons with Disabilities. Ms Saadhna Panday, Senior Researcher, DBE, tabled the Report, and briefed Members on the State of Teenage Pregnancy in South Africa SA. She stated that high teen fertility was a subject of concern in research and policy circles. The DBE adopted a rights-based approach to the matter and introduced guidelines to prevent and manage teen fertility. The purpose of the study was to critically analyse and review the data on teenage pregnancy to focus on learner pregnancy. The Department engaged in a desktop review of literature and looked at trends in fertility. The study showed that there was a lack of vital statistics in SA, but that overall fertility had been declining for the past fifty years. The Department stated that there was a perception in the country that there was an upsurge in teenage pregnancy. This was because it was now seen more often at schools, in communities and when collecting the Child Support Grant CSG. There was confluence between issues of morality, strategies to reduce teen pregnancy, enforcement of responsibilities of young mothers and assistance given by society to children of teen mothers. Studies showed that the rates of pregnancy were higher in some race groups. There were more teen pregnancies in African and Coloured groups compared to Indian and White groups. The Department warned that it was missing data from some provinces. There was no empirical evidence of a link between teen fertility and CSG. Termination of pregnancy by teens had increased over time and there was a low uptake of CSG among teens. Data showed that an increase in education resulted in a decrease in pregnancies, and that pregnancy resulted from school encounters, rather than caused students to drop out of school. Dropping out of school at an early stage was, however, a significant risk factor leading to higher statistics in both early pregnancy and HIV. In SA, only about a third of teen mothers returned to school. There was still a high use of illegal termination services. The decline in fertility was related to an increase in access to family planning services resulting in the use of contraception, the increase in access to education and a shift in attitudes towards pregnancy. There were high levels of knowledge of contraception, but incorrect and inconsistent use still persisted. Most young women became pregnant because they were not using contraception. An ecological approach was taken to the study and it was shown that teen fertility resulted from a complex set of factors related to the social conditions under which teens grew up. The stigma of teen pregnancy limited open communication with parents and access to healthcare. Imbalanced gender relations often involved coerced or forced sex. Poverty resulted in trade-offs between health and economic security such as the reciprocity of sex in exchange for material goods. It also resulted in limiting access to information and incentives to protect against pregnancy. Research showed that young fathers had the same profile as young mothers such as a strong emotional response to fatherhood and a deep sense of responsibility. SA was mainly focused on sexual risk factors, yet relational and structural factors were key determinants. The primary focus had to be on prevention of pregnancies. However, second chances were needed to prevent the loss of human potential. The Department recommended the universal implementation of sex education. This sex education programme focused on both abstinence and safe sex and it addressed biological and social risk factors. The Department also wanted to target high-risk groups, retain learners in schools and involve them in community work. Teen fertility had been declining in SA but the rates were still unacceptably high. The best protection that the education system could offer was to keep learners in school. The Department discussed the way forward. It wanted to discuss the issue holistically, using gender-sensitive and rights-based approaches, and to develop strategies that were responsive. Therefore, reductive and preventative strategies had to involve other role players and stakeholders. Discussions focused on poverty, peer pressure, the lack of information, parenting skills, and the importance of education. The seminar also looked at second chances for teen mothers and empowering educators in sexuality education. The report would be presented to Cabinet, a series of provincial discussions would take place and this would bring together key stakeholders. A comprehensive strategy would be developed for the management and prevention of learner pregnancy. This strategy would explore the policy options relating to teen pregnancy in education, include developing tools to identify high risk schools, develop early warning systems for schools to identify students likely to drop out, develop monitoring and evaluation tools, improve life skills programmes, and strengthen and support peer education. Co-Chairperson Chohan asked the Department to clarify what its policy was towards learners who were pregnant and still in school. She stated that there was a policy that spoke to learners returning to school in less than two years after having a child. She asked for clarity on this. She asked if the current rate of pregnancy referred to both teens in the schooling system and those out of school, and whether there were separate figures for pregnant teens that were in the schooling system, and those who were not in the schooling system when they fell pregnant, as this information would be important. Dr Panday stated that teen fertility was measured using national data, so it represented both sets of teenagers, both within and outside the schooling system. This was why the Department tried to analyse the EMIS data that asked the question about whether schools supported learner pregnancies. There was some data missing in respect of the provinces, and therefore the national data was more reliable. The policy was also about balancing these issues. A guideline was needed for schools to show them how to deal with learner pregnancies. The measures would encourage abstinence, and would focus on sexuality and life-skills education. Schools needed to engage with parents on a one-on-one basis. Dr Panday explained that the two year period for teen mothers to return to school was proposed as there was the need for teen mothers to take care of their child after giving birth, which must, however, be weighed up against their need for education. It was really a negotiation between the principles of the school, the learner and the parents. Ms Ndebele stated that many parents took their children out of schools. The Department had to find a way to balance the values of the schools and the values of families. Dr Panday stated that service learning was part of the academic programme where learners were asked to go out and engage in community projects. They would come back to the classrooms to talk about their experiences and how they contributed to their understanding. Learners who engaged in service learning had lower levels of teen fertility. Having a sense of purpose and direction could serve as protection against teen pregnancy. Mr N Kganyago UDM stated that the pie chart in the presentation depicting the contribution to teen pregnancy by age did not say anything about the fathers. If a fifteen-year-old girl was impregnated by an older man, then this too was a problem. The report needed to contain more information and statistics on the fathers. When young women were involved with male partners who were five years older than themselves, there was an increased risk of contracting HIV. When young women were involved with men three years their senior, there was an increased risk of teen pregnancy, and both were at more or less equivalent levels of development. However, if a twelve-year-old girl was involved with a seventeen-year-old boy, there was a problem, as the boy would be at the brink of sexuality, while the girl would be further behind in this respect. There was a lot of controversy around this issue because of the differences in their development. Ms J Kloppers-Lourens DA asked how teen mothers attending school affected other learners in the school. These learners were sexually active, and she wondered if the Department was concerned about the example that teen mothers would set for other learners. Ms Panday stated that the Department did not look at this issue specifically. This was not one of the aims of the study. The study showed that when young mothers returned to school, the education protected them against falling pregnant a second time soon after the first pregnancy. Mr D Smiles DA asked why the Department had said that there was a misperception that there was an upsurge in teen pregnancies, when communities on the ground were complaining that there were too many teen pregnancies, specifically with school learners. He noted that the Department stated that teen pregnancies were not related to the CSG. He wished to question this conclusion. He asked the Department what could be done to prevent learners from dropping out of school. He stated that encouraging mothers to go back to school also touched on moral issues. Some mothers were not sent back to the same schools that they attended prior to the pregnancies. Other support systems had to come in to assist children whose mothers were sent away to other schools. Dr Panday stated that she was referring to the perception of the upsurge in teen pregnancies versus the national data, which in fact showed very clearly that there was an overall decline in SA. This was a sensitive issue that would be controversial for a very long time, because it included issues of unprotected sex and the sexuality of young people. It was an issue that all of society needed to be involved in. Dr Panday said that the two significant risk factors for dropping out of school were poor school performance and poverty. She suggested that conditional cash payments could be one way to curb drop outs in the schooling system. This system was used in countries like Brazil and Bangladesh to get young teens through school. The method had proven to be successful as an intervention to retain learners in schools. Dr Panday spoke to the matter of sending young mothers away to other schools. If this was done because of the stigma, then there should be a strategy to get young women back in to the schooling system. She agreed that young mothers were often exposed to stigma and this was one of the reasons they did not return to schools. Ms D Robinson DA asked if the pregnant teens were given any advice, as they had to take responsibility for their child. Teen mothers had to be told about matters such as nutrition and getting sufficient sleep. This would be good preparation for young fathers as well. It would look at what it meant to be a parent and what the responsibilities were relating to parenthood. The proposal did not focus on post-pregnancy, but on pre-pregnancy issues. Ms Ndebele added that the study reinforced the need for a life-skills programme that focused on values. The strengthening of life-skills programmes was not just about sexuality, it was about looking at positive values so learners would be able make positive choices and influence their peers in a positive manner. Co-Chairperson Chohan stated that life-skills programmes at schools were not prioritised. There were certain social prevalence issues that were prioritised, such as HIV, but most learners did not know basic facts about health. Schools and the government needed to look at programmes that focused on character building, and looked at basic lessons of respect, loyalty, and honesty, being values that were shared across different religions and communities. If this was not done soon, the country was going to be saddled with major social problems. There were simple issues that were overlooked and it was therefore important that fundamental values were included in school curriculums. A Member stated that the Committee should look more closely at the statement that there was no link between teen pregnancy and the CSG. Learners may not reveal the truth. People living in the same community with the teen mothers reported that the CSG was not always used for the correct purposes. Some children were looked after by their grandmothers although their mothers collected, and often spent the CSG on themselves. There was indeed apparently a great link between the CSG and teen pregnancy. She also questioned the assumption that poverty was one of the main reasons for teen pregnancies. There were also children from well-off families who fell pregnant. Ms Ndebele stated that although poverty might not be the main reason for teen pregnancy, it was certainly one of the risk factors. Studies showed that young children who did not have any aspirations tended to engage in risky behaviour. Dr Panday added that poverty was a very complex issue. Poverty had an impact at the individual level, the interpersonal level, and institutional and structural level. Poverty could limit access to contraception because there were limited access to healthcare services in particular areas. She agreed with the need for churches, sports, and rural development to play a role in decreasing teen pregnancy. This problem could not be solved by single sectors of society. Dr Panday did not think that the matter of the link between the CSG and teen pregnancy could be solved in this meeting. The data that was taken from the South African Social Security Agency SASSA was linked to national trends in teenage fertility. The data indicated clearly that there was not a definite link, but this was an issue beyond data. She thought that society had to come together to decide on what key messages had to be filtered down to teens. Another type of debate was needed to decide how the matter would be taken forward. She reiterated that the data, however, showed that there was no link between the two. She thought that there should be open communication between both girls and boys. She asked if the two-year policy that stated that teen mothers should go back to school was at the discussion phase or if had already been implemented. Dr Panday agreed that there should be open communication between girls and their parents as well as with boys, as sexuality was a shared activity. Young boys had to be educated as well as there was a shared responsibility in having safe sex. Ms C Dudley ACDP stated that there was a model or programme that Kwazulu-Natal used that enabled parents to speak to the youth about all the important issues concerning sexuality and pregnancy. She asked how the Department was able to get to the parents. She wondered if the Department was involved in broadening access to other educational facilities. There was more that could be done to create an initiative that girls could access, which would allow them to complete their education. There were complaints about the lack of data regarding the termination of pregnancy. This was important information that would help the Committee to understand who was accessing the service and why. She noted that there was legislation responsible for the decrease in teen pregnancy. She asked if the Choice on Termination of Pregnancy Act CTOP contributed to the decrease or if there was more legislation involved in it. Ms Ndebele stated that the Department was looking at a multitude of second-chance opportunities for out of school youth. The Department for Higher Education and Training DHET was looking at options for children that dropped out of school. This would also be linked to the review of the college system. The DHET was in the process of looking for an alternative matric certificate programme for those that dropped out in their matric year. Dr Panday stated that the model from KZN was called CHAMP. It recruited parents and children via the schooling system to participate in the programme. It was often difficult to recruit parents, but once they were recruited the programme experienced phenomenal success. Dr Panday said that there was not adequate data collection under the CTOP and there was still persistent use of illegal services. There was no control over where and how terminations were being carried out, which was why the data was unreliable. There was an entire package of family planning services that helped decrease the teen pregnancy rate. The CTOP Act could have made a contribution, but it was more likely the increased access to contraception that was more successful. Mr J Skosana ANC stated that a policy had to be developed that spoke to the manner in which schools had to deal with pregnant learners. This was a serious problem. Ms H Malgas ANC agreed that proper guidelines needed to be in place that would state how long a pregnant learner was able to attend schools. She added that people were not sure where to locate the Moral Regeneration Movement, a government programme that was brought in to education. Life-skills programmes were important but were not given enough attention in schools. She stated that there was another problem that it was sometimes the teachers in schools that were impregnating their students, and perhaps also passing on HIV. She wondered what was being done to promote proper morals on the part of teachers. Ms Ndebele stated that there was a need for inter-departmental interaction. If pregnant learners were allowed to attend schools, then systems would be needed in case learners needed to access healthcare services. It was important that all entities should come together in service of schools, and to balance the rights of learners in education. Ms Ndebele said that the Department was working with the Moral Regeneration Movement. The Department was in the process of introducing a Bill of Responsibilities in schools. Issues such as values and respect would be included in the programmes under this Bill. The Bill was developed by the Department and religious bodies. Mr N Kganyago ANC stated that he had overheard some teen mothers talking boastfully about getting money from the CSG. There were serious problems here. He also addressed the life-skills matter and recommended that psychologists and social workers be introduced into the schools. Ms A Mda COPE stated that implementation of the recommendations made in the presentation would come with challenges. It was important that each school had a nurse and a school psychologist. Ms Dudley agreed that the social worker concept was of great importance. Nurses and social workers could help to identify problems that those outside of schools could not. Mr Smiles noted that there was a shortage of strategies on how to retain learners in schools. He agreed with learners being more involved with extra-curricular activities so they did not have too much free time to engage in risky behaviour. The Chairperson for the Portfolio Committee on Women, Youth, Children and Persons with Disabilities, Ms B Thompson ANC , noted the need to move forward. She urged the Department to include all the relevant Portfolio Committees in programmes that they initiated. She added that parents and the government should try to move children away from an attitude of greed, and dissatisfaction with what was presently offered. She urged that a better platform was needed to train children to be better teenagers. Ms Ndebele stated that the most of the issues were symptoms of bigger problems. Learners had to be retained in schools. The Department of Health DoH , the Department of Social Development DSD and the DBE had to demonstrate to the Committee how their services and programmes would converge in schools. She added that the CSG could be used in a positive way, by saying that if a teen did not become pregnant, the money could be put towards bursaries. Co-Chairperson Chohan noted that the Committee and the Department faced many challenges that would require multiple responses. She hoped that the discussions helped the Department. Emphasis had to be placed on learners completing their education, whether they were pregnant or not. Educating the mother was a step to educating the nation. She was heartened to hear that teen pregnancy was not such a problem as had been thought, but stressed that the cultural and social issues remained and must be addressed. The meeting was adjourned. Sign up to follow this committee PMG on Twitter PMG on Facebook. Cooperative Governance and Traditional Affairs. Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries. Justice and Correctional Services. Sign in to follow committees and customise this menu. Recent meetings of popular commitees. National Minimum Wage: Committee Report on National Minimum Wage. Ford Kuga recall: hearing. Teenage Pregnancy amongst school learners, and in SA generally. Sign up to follow this committee. Follow this committee and get free email alerts whenever we get new information about it. Teenage Pregnancy in SA. We don't have attendance info for this committee meeting. What's wrong with this page? How we can improve this page? If you'd like us to get back to you, please enter your email address. Bills and Bill Tracker. Copyright Parliamentary Monitoring Group. This site is open source code built by Code for South Africa. PMG data is available through an API. What were the benefits/drawbacks of having the students write stories using How are you planning to prepare your students to write critical lens essays? 8. unknown. Seq: 1. 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What is the price of freedom that was paid, and is being paid? Freedom was paid with anguish, pain, time, and lives. We, the inhabitants of America, are. Nebraska District of Optimist International. the Optimist International Junior Golf Championships and the organization's scholarship contests (Essay Contest. How do you avoid writing a bad admissions essay? Read on to find out what makes an essay bad and to learn which college essay topics to avoid. What exactly happens to turn a college essay terrible? This is because the admissions essay is also a place to show the admissions team the maturity and clarity of your writing style. One way to get this part wrong is to exhibit very faulty writing mechanics , like unclear syntax or incorrectly used punctuation. Another way to mess this up is to ignore prompt instructions either for creative or careless reasons. Neither is a good thing, since they are looking for people who are open to receiving new information from professors and not just deciding they know everything already. Ignoring directions to this degree is not creative, just annoying. Want to know why you're often advised to write about something mundane and everyday for your college essay? That's because the more out-there your topic, the more likely it is to stumble into one of these trouble categories. Unfortunately, stumbling into the TMI zone of essay topics is more common than you think. Some secrets are better behind lock and key. It's simply a bad idea to give admissions officers ammunition to dislike you. You' re better off not airing your dirty laundry out in public. Seriously, no one wants to smell those socks. While it's great to have faith in your abilities, no one likes a relentless show-off. No matter how magnificent your accomplishments, if you decide to focus your essay on them, it's better to describe a setback or a moment of doubt rather that simply praising yourself to the skies. Cheering on a team? Shoes are from several centuries ago and tend to be used as flower vases. And that's true for me too! Writing about someone or something else might well make a great essay, but not for this context. Remember, no reader wants to be lectured at. Also, remember that no college is eager to admit someone who is too close-minded to benefit from being taught by others. A long, one-sided essay about a hot-button issue will suggest that you are exactly that. Don't make your reader feel like they've suddenly gotten in the ring with you. Bad college essays aren't only caused by bad topics. Check to make sure you haven't made any of the common mistakes on this list. Admissions officers are looking for resourcefulness, the ability to be resilient, and an active and optimistic approach to life — these are all qualities that create a thriving college student. Essays that don't show these qualities are usually suffering from tone-deafness. Image: Eduard Munch [Public Domain] , via Wikimedia Commons One good question to ask yourself is: could anyone else have written this essay? Your college essay isn't the place to be indistinguishable. But on a standard application, it's better to stick to traditional prose, split into paragraphs, further split into sentences. If you dress like this every day, you can use all the fancy words you like. This is the one place where you can, should — and really must — get someone who knows all about grammar, punctuation and has a good eye for detail to take a red pencil to your final draft. Repetition: excellent for mastering the long jump, terrible for keeping a reader's interest. The beauty of writing is that you get to rewrite. Was your childhood home destroyed by a landspout tornado? Yeah, neither was mine. I know that intro might have given the impression that this college essay will be about withstanding disasters, but the truth is that it isn't about that at all. Unique hobbies make good topics, right? And then an Essay. Instead, I sat quietly in my room wrote the old-fashioned way. Almost out of nowhere, Robert Jameson Smith offered his words of advice. He suggested students begin their college essay by listing their achievements and letting their essay materialize from there. And sure enough, I felt inspiration hit me and began to type away furiously into the keyboard about my experience in TREE, or Trees Require Engaged Environmentalists. I reflected on the current state of deforestation, and described the dichotomy of it being both understandable why farmers cut down forests for farmland, and how dangerous this is to our planet. As far as achievements go, this was definitely an amazing one. Yet in this essay, I was still being nagged by a voice that couldn't be ignored. In the middle of a hike through Philadelphia's Fairmount Park, I realized that the college essay was nothing more than an embodiment of my character. The two essays I have written were not right because they have failed to become more than just words on recycled paper. The subject failed to come alive. With this realization, I turned around as quickly as I could without crashing into a tree. Speaking of tornadoes, how awesome was the Wizard of Oz? I played with the thought in my mind, tapping my imaginary communicator pin and whispering "Computer. Days later I emerged from my room disheveled, but to my dismay, this college essay made me sound like just a guy who can't get over the fact that he'll never take the Starfleet Academy entrance exam. So, I tossed my essay away without even getting to disintegrate it with a phaser set on stun. You know, just in case. The meat of the essay is that the two versions of himself that the author thought about portraying each fails in some way to describe the real him. Look at how long and draggy these paragraphs are, especially after that zippy opening. Is it at all interesting to read about how someone else found the process of writing hard? Not really, because this is a very common experience. Twice in the essay, the author lets someone else tell him what to do. Don't be a passive panda. Be an active antelope. But there is no description of what the author did with either one, nor any explanation of why these were so meaningful to his life. In the rewrite, it would be good to explore what he learned about himself and the world by pursuing these interests. How did they change him or seen him into the person he is today? In the next essay draft, I would suggest subtly making a point about his other qualities. Or, after the TREE paragraph, the author could explain why this second essay was no better at capturing him than the first. Why is the self in the essay shouting — is it because this version paints him as an overly aggressive activist? Star Trek fans are a dime a dozen. But a Trekkie who is also a graffiti aficionado? Now that's a novel intersection of cultural tastes. I expected harsh conditions, but what I encountered was far worse. Poverty to me and everyone else I knew was a foreign concept that people hear about on the news or see in documentaries. But this abject poverty was their life, their reality. As all of this realization came at once, I felt overwhelmed by the weight of what was to come. Would I be able to live in the same conditions as these people? Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? It was at that moment that I saw how selfish I had been. How many people suffered like this in the world, while I went about life concerned about nothing at all? Thinking back on the trip, maybe I made a difference, maybe not. But I gained something much more important. I gained the desire to make the world a better place for others. It was in a small, poverty-stricken village in Peru that I finally realized that there was more to life than just being alive. This is an essay that tries to explain a shift in perspective. There are different ways to structure this overarching idea, but a chronological approach that starts with an earlier opinion, describes a mind changing event, and ends with the transformed point of view is an easy and clear way to lay this potentially complex subject out. Arranging your narrative in order of what happened when is a simple and surefire strategy. It just makes this author sound dismissive of a huge swath of the population. Calling others "less fortunate" when you're a senior in high school has a dehumanizing quality to it. These people who have so little were able to forget their own needs, and put those much more fortunate in front of themselves. Again, this comes across as very patronizing. It may help to imagine you have the compound eyes of an insect. How many different perspectives can you see and describe? Why were the kids were crying? One specific really loud kid? Why were their clothes dirty? Did they have Sunday clothes? Traditional clothes they would put on for special occasions? Did they make their own clothes? The rewrite should either make this section more specific and less reliant on cliches, or should discard it altogether. What did their leader tell them? What was different in real life? What was the light like? What time of day was it? Reading vague generalizations is like trying to make sense of this blurry picture. And after a while, who cares? Without a framing device explaining that this initial panic was an overreaction, this section just makes the author sound whiny, entitled, melodramatic, and immature. Just how much mortality is typically associated with these very standard college-application-boosting service trips? In a rewrite, I would suggest including more perspective on the author's outsized and overprivileged response here. This would fit well with a new focus on the different points of view on this village the author encountered. Is it really believable that this is what the author learned? This conclusion is rather vague, and seems mostly a non sequitur. It's important to include deep thoughts and insights into your essay - just make sure your narrative supports your conclusions! Want to read some excellent college essays now that you've seen some examples of flawed one? Need some guidance on other parts of the application process? Download it for free now:. She is passionate about improving student access to higher education. You should definitely follow us on social media. You'll get updates on our latest articles right on your feed. What SAT Target Score Should You Be Aiming For? A Comprehensive Guide Should you retake your SAT or ACT? When should you take the SAT or ACT? The College Entrance Examination Board TM does not endorse, nor is it affiliated in any way with the owner or any content of this site. What Makes Bad College Essays Bad. Problems With the Topic. Problems With the Execution. College Essay Topics To Avoid. Writing in too much detail about your illness, disability, any other bodily functions. Detailed meaningful discussion of what this physical condition has meant to you and your life is a great thing to write about. But stay away from body horror and graphic descriptions that are simply there for gratuitous shock value. Waxing poetic about your love for your significant other. Confessing to odd and unusual desires of the sexual or illegal variety. Your obsession with cultivating cacti is wonderful topic, while your obsession with researching explosives is a terrible one. Too Revealing of Bad Judgment. Writing about committing crime as something fun or exciting. Even if you're in a state where some recreational drugs are legal, you're a high school student. Your only exposure to mind-altering substances should be caffeine. You're unlikely to be a good enough fantasist to pull this off, and there's no reason to roll the dice on being discovered to be a liar. Unless you have a great story of coping with one of these, leave deal-breakers like pathological narcissism out of your personal statement. Bragging and making yourself the flawless hero of your essay. This goes double if you're writing about not particularly exciting achievements like scoring the winning goal or getting the lead in the play. The application already includes your resume, or a detailed list of your various activities. Every athlete tries to write this essay. Unless you have a completely off-the-wall story or unusual achievement, leave this overdone topic be. Did you learn a valuable lesson about how privileged you are? Unfortunately, so has every other teenager who traveled on one of these trips. Unfortunately, many of the hard, formative events in your life are fairly universal. Only detailed, idiosyncratic description can save this topic. It's a technique that seems clever, but has already been done many times in many different ways. This is especially true if your solution is an easy fix, if only everyone would just listen to you. Starting with a famous quotation. There usually is no need to shore up your own words by bringing in someone else's. Of course, if you are writing about a particular phrase that you've adopted as a life motto, feel free to include it. B ut even then, having it be the first line in your essay feels like you're handing the keys over to that author and asking them to drive. They are like this, and like that, and people love them for all of these reasons. They are just like me. Paying tribute to someone very important to you. But if you decide to write about, your essay should be about your learning and how you've been influenced, not about the other person's achievements. Edvard Munch probably didn't submit "The Scream" as his admissions essay. He smartly saved all that existential angst for his post-bac! The ending should be short and sweet, so your reader doesn't start wishing you'd turn into a human cannonball. Ask a Question Below Have any questions about this article or other topics? Ask below and we'll reply! Send MY free tips! Improve With Our Famous Guides. What ACT target score should you be aiming for? ACT Vocabulary You Must Know. How to Get Into Harvard and the Ivy League. Is the ACT easier than the SAT? Should you retake your SAT or ACT? What Is a Good SAT Score? A Bad SAT Score? An Excellent SAT Score? What Is a Good ACT Score? A Bad ACT Score? An Excellent ACT Score? How to Get Into Harvard and the Ivy League, by a Harvard Alum. Also, Follow Us Today. Get updates on our latest articles by following us on all our social networks. Customize your test prep for maximum results. Want General Expert Advice? Our hand-selected experts help you in a variety of other topics! Travel Tips from Experts. Get the latest articles and test prep tips! SAT online prep blog. Become an adverstising partner. published (see Demaree, for example). However, while these To achieve this goal, I have organized my paper into four main sections, two of which have offers research questions that could be answered in future versions of this paper and. * Economic Essays Examples
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*A free PDF version of this organizer can be downloaded here: Outlining Your Compare-and-Contrast Essay. It can also be found on the TLC. This helpful guide clarifies some crucial details needed to finalize problem solution writing in a proper manner. Feel free to follow these guidelines. Exploratory essays. One of the most interesting peculiarities of Exploratory Essays is that the writer does not know the end of the essay and does not use. Kindred Essay Scholarship It sounds easy, but we all know that writing is easier said than done. In the following sections, we'll talk about MLA format, the importance of an outline, and how. For your convenience, here is a good list of transition words for essays that you can use. Each part is differentiated according to the purpose they serve. Essays from BookRags provide great ideas for The Giver essays and paper topics like Essay. View this student essay about The Giver.

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